Top Five Tuesday: Top Five Songs About Pleasuring Thyself

Hey you. Yes, you. I know what sites you're planning on visiting after this one. I want you to know it's OK.

Here I've compiled the best songs that tackle the most sensitive of subjects. These are not to be confused with The Best Songs to Masturbate To, which I imagine would be an entirely different sort of post.

Sorry, Divinyls, these aren't just any masturbation songs. These are the Top Five Best Masturbation Songs.

5. “Karen” – The National

“It's a common fetish for a doting man
to ballerina on the coffee table cock in hand.”

The best couplet I’ve heard in a long time. Hands down. No really, put ’em down.


4. “Silence Kit” – Pavement

If I were to quote the quintessential Malkmus, it would be this line:

“Five hours later i'm...chewin'...screwin' myself with my hands.”

Just like that, he’s spent. The song ends.

3. “If You’re Feeling Sinister” – Belle & Sebastian

Masturbation is one thing; but masturbation and religion? Now there’s a match made in, err, heaven. I still remember sitting and chatting with my “vicar or whatever” – incidentally, one asked if I’d ever looked at pornographic materials. But this is B&S’ tale to tell…

“If you are feeling sinister
Go off and see a minister
Chances are you'll probably feel better
If you stayed and played with yourself.”

2. “Thinking About You” – Radiohead

Though Pablo Honey remains the black sheep of the band’s catalog, you cannot deny stripped down Thom-and-guitar action. Leave it to Radiohead to write a song called “Thinking About You” that strays as far from a romantic diddy as possible. Or does it?

“Should I still love you
Still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself
What do you care?
When the other men are far far better.”

Throw in a healthy dose of self-deprecation and paranoia, and you have the creepiest song about masturbation ever written. Masturbation references aside, one cannot deny the classic line, “Who bribed the company to come and see you, honey?”

(For more Yorke creepiness, see“Climbing Up the Walls” -- “I’ve got the smell of the local man who’s got the loneliest feeling.”)


AND THE NUMBER ONE SONG ABOUT MASTURBATION IS...

1. "Icicle" - Tori Amos

Maybe it's because she's a woman, or because she doesn't beat around the bush (I said it!). I think it's because "Icicle" is completely and unabashedly a song about youth, sexuality, religion, and all those other touchy subjects rolled into one. This is the edgiest song Amos has ever or will ever write.

Where oh where are the Tori Amos' of yesteryear?

Greeting the monster in our Easter dresses
Father says bow your head like the Good Book says
Well I think the Good Book is missing some pages
Gonna lay down gonna lay down

And when my hand touches myself I can finally rest my head
And when they say take of his body I think Ill take from mine instead

Getting off, getting off
While they're all downstairs
Singing prayers, sing away
Hes in my pumpkin p.j.s
Lay your book on my chest
Feel the word feel the word feel the word feel it

Oh, Tori, don't you just hate it when you come to church unprepared for that time of the month? (Look at what's running down her leg in that picture...) I can already see it now. Next week: Top Five Songs About Menstruation. OK, maybe not.