Hella Coachella Batman!

The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival starts this Friday afternoon in the middle of some California desert. Depending on whom you ask, Coachella is the best of the American music festivals, though for my money that title would go to All Tomorrow's Parties, though this year's the Pitchfork Music Festival should be mentinoed as well. Still, Coachella's April/May start time typically means they get the jump on many of the year's biggest outdoor festivals, and though I can't be in attendence this year I can still leave my two cents and pick it apart.



Off To A Good Start - This year's Coachella opens with Flosstradamus, two Chicago DJs who know how to rock a party.

Let America Laugh Indeed - The Comedians of Comedy troupe get a whopping two-and-a-half-hour set time, which is only five minutes less than Bjork and Rage Against the Machine combined! With such funny men and women as Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Maria Bamford, Zach Galifianakis, Hard N' Phirm, Aziz Ansari, Howard Kremer, and Jasper Redd, you'll likely see more funny for your money here than you would all year. Besides, do you really want to see Tokyo Police Club and Nickel Creek?

I'm Sorry, Is This Coachella Or the Set of a New Sofia Coppola Film? - Let's see, you've got Peaches, Jesus and Mary Chain, Air...yep, its a Sofia movie alright. Let's just hope its better than the last one. I kid, I kid. But seriously, here's hoping that at least one person gets a lap dance to "Fuck the Pain Away."

And Now For Something Completely Different - On Friday, Rufus Wainwright soothes the nerves, only to have Peeping Tom fuck it all up 35 minutes later. On Saturday, Ghostface Killah is sandwiched between Blonde Redhead and the Decemberists. Still, nothing comes close to Sunday's main stage where Explosions in the Sky get followed by the Roots, who then get followed by Willie Nelson. After Willie, the audience will be treated to recently reunited one-hit-wonders Crowded House, who somehow have to find a way to top the living legend's performance, a feat that even Bob Dylan, another living legend, found difficult. Obviously the schedulers have a sick sense of humor.

Speaking Of Sick Senses of Humor - Is it just me, or did anyone else finally get why "on the main stage" was printed next to the second tier act Tiesto? In case you haven't noticed, Tietso are pseudo-headlining Saturday night. The Peppers must have booked some studio time with Rick Rubin to record some more songs about California. The Peppers still get a longer set time, so perhaps the joke's on Tietso after all. By the way (not a pun, I swear), the Rapture get the last laugh: They get a headlining slot and a longer set time than Bjork, Peppers, Rage, Tiesto, or any other headliner for that matter.

Aw No They Didn't (snaps fingers) - A rant to the schedulers: You gave Sonic Youth and Interpol conflicting set times?!?!? Did it not occur to you that maybe, just maybe, Interpol fans might also be Sonic Youth fans, and vice versa? How about switching Interpol and Tiesto? Interpol is far more deserving of a headlining spot than Tiesto, and thousands of sweaty, thirsty, drugged out people will no longer have the burning desire to beat your foolish asses.

This Week's Featured Flavor: Sour Grapes - How in the hell did so many flavor-of-the-week-it-bands take precedent over so many (somewhat) more established artists? Peeping Tom - who have a legitimate rock star in Mike Patton, I can't deny that - have one album to their credit, yet get a better slot than established artists like Of Montreal, Nickel Creek, Rufus Wainwright, and the reunited Jesus and Mary Chain. Peter Bjorn & John and MSTRKRFT get better slots than the Frames, Fountains of Wayne (who suck, I'll admit), and Roky Erickson & the Explosives, while Girl Talk trumps all of them plus the New Pornographers, the Decemberists, Travis, !!!, and Ghostface Killah. The worst offender is Sunday, where 18 bands play after Willie Nelson has finished. Let me repeat that, 18 fucking bands play after Willie Nelson. I'm seriously at a loss for words, especially considering that one of the "artists" trumping Mr. Nelson is Lily Allen. Let me repeat, Lily "I Thought Being a Pop Star Would Be Easy Because My Parents Are Rich, but No One Told Me I'd Have to, Like, Tour To Promote My Album and Now I Don't Want to Play Shows Anymore" Allen has a later time slot than Willie Nelson.

Making Your Own Mad Lib With Coachella Bands Is the New Sudoku - Bjork and her Busdriver were on their way back home after Coachella when Bjork got a phone call from her Brother, Ali. He invited them to a party at "some Crowded House" in the neighborhoood referred to as the Gotan Project. "What does the place look like?" Bjork asked.

"All the Cribs here look the same, except this place has a Grizzly Bear out front."

Bjork and Busdriver arrived at the party a few minutes later. They were treated to a set by DJ Shadow, who has not undergone much Digitalism and only spins El-Ps. Busdriver danced with some Brazilian Girls while Bjork mostly ate the food, which consisted of Peaches, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and some Damien Rice from the Fields that surround the neighborhood. While she was snacking, a man named Flosstradamus approached her and told her stories about the party's host, the murderous Ghostface Killah. He told her about his terror group, the Evil Nine, and of the Rapture, which the man felt was nearing with each passing day. "There will be no Happy Mondays for the Faithless in hell," he said to her. "Not even Jesus and Mary Chain can save you when you're down there." Bjork, figuring the man had eaten one Infected Mushroom too many, told him that she had to leave to grab another Pop Levi, but really made up the excuse so she could find Busdriver to go home.

Later there was a knock on the door. It was the Tokyo Police Club. "The Peeping Tom across the street must have complained about the Noisettes," said Ghostface. He opened the door to greet them and promised to be quiet. The police, feeling Justice had been served, turned to leave when they heard a sound. RATATAT!!! it went, and soon most of the officers were down. The police called Interpol for backup as they watched Ghostface and his evil men throw Roky Erikson and the Explosvies in the Air, creating several Explosions in the Sky. Interpol promised to send the Kaiser Chiefs and every law enforcer from VNV Nation, but told them it would take hours before they could arrive and the Coup could begin. The cops had the Feeling that they would never Circa Survive.

Suddenly, a superhero named the Nightwatchman rode in on his Sparklehhorse. He had heard about the Lupe Fiasco from his trusty sidekick, Kid Beyond, who was attending the party. Together, the duo foiled the Kooks and arrested them on charges of resisting arrest and crimes agains The Good, The Bad, and The Queen. After the commotion, Bjork and Busdriver, who were starting to miss the more soothing atmosphere of chirping Andrew Birds and the lovely Nickel Creek, left for home. When she arrived, Bjork climbed into bed with her Teddybears and fell fast asleep.